Your Pain is Mine: How Loving Someone Means Reflecting Their Emotions

One of the telltale signs of truly loving someone is sharing their emotions, whether that's happiness, excitement, anger, or grief. When you love someone, you can't help but reflect their feelings back to them. You get sad when they're sad, joyful when they are. It's a sign that you care. After all, how can you remain feeling neutral when the person you care about is going through an emotional storm? 

I've seen this happen to me so many times, especially with my closest family members and closest friends. I remember calling my mama (who is really my tita from my mom's side) one night while I was going through the peak of the pain of losing my 4-year relationship. My face was wet with tears, my eyes swollen from sleepless nights and hours of bawling. "Oh, bakit?" she asked, her face struck with worry. I told her. She told me everything's going to be alright in a shaky voice, her eyes damping fast. She shared my grief. Naturally, because she loves me. 

My mom, on the other hand, reflected my sadness in a different way when she heard the same news. She expressed anger towards my ex, her protective motherly instincts activated. "I never liked that guy. You deserve so much better," she said with so much conviction that I couldn't help but believe her. She loves me so much that my heartbreak became her heartbreak. "If I could take your pain, I'll make it mine instead," I remember her saying. 

And when my best friend from high school was going through so much stress from collegial chaos, she did her best to set that aside to share my delight when I celebrated my 22nd birthday. She probably had so much going on in her mind. Still, she smiled her biggest smile and sang Happy Birthday the loudest, reflecting my feelings that day. 

I think about all these examples now as the man I love feels dejected about something he wished he did differently. Waking up to his voice sounding glum, I couldn't help but feel glum myself. And like any uncomfortable feeling, I want to fix how he feels so mine will get fixed, too. I have spent last night comforting him the best way I can, but hearing him now, I feel like I failed. He still feels sad. 

But is it so bad...to feel sad? Does his emotion need "fixing" from me? I know that loving someone means feeling sad when they're sad, but should it be about my sadness now? Why do I make it about me when it's not? 

I think loving someone also means simply allowing them to feel the way they do, sharing their pain without taking ownership of it. As the song goes, I don't need you to solve / any problem at all / I just need you to sit here and love me. /